Pay attention to this. Read it closely, then repeat if needed.

Maybe we don’t notice it. Maybe we don’t notice the subtle vices that have us by the balls. We don’t notice that we are about to start doing something creative and can’t because we have to casually check out our Facebook pages. Maybe that 10-second decision stopped us from letting go and creating something great. What is in us that is so scared?

Why are we so unbelievably scared to face our potential as people? What is the threat?

So many people choose to sit. They choose to stall.

Think about the following sentences:

“I should be a comedian.” “I should lose weight.” “I should stop drinking.“

What is the difference between saying those, and saying this series of sentences:

“I will be a successful comedian.” “I will be fit.” “I will truly enjoy sobriety.”

What is the difference?

The first set: full of sentences that we say more commonly say. These sentences are in charge of us.

The first set is easier. It is so simple to say. It doesn’t require any actual work. It is stalling, cowardly, and an excuse. When saying these sentences, results are rare, if not nonexistent.

The second set: full of sentences that we rarely say. When we say these sentences, we are in charge.

The second set is scarier. It is more real. It is facing the music. It is stepping up to the plate. It is results. It is action. When you say these sentences, results will happen.

What do you think follows the results that come from the first set of sentences? Excuses. Procrastination. Inaction. Depression. Guilt.

And what follows that? A need for vices, because you don’t feel like you are loved. A constant desire to check Facebook, watch TV, go to Starbucks, drink, do drugs, be abusive, be cruel. A desire to destroy and a desire to connect with others who feel the same way. You acquire a false belief that it is not possible. An inner anger. Anger towards others. Excuses that inhibit success. Knocking down other people, even if you have to lie. Numbness. Bigger, more intense fear.

What do you think follows the results that come from the second set of sentences, even if you don’t get every single thing you want? Self pride. Growth. Change. Power. Confidence. Self-esteem.

And what follows that? A desire to help others. More self-growth. Appreciation for what you have. Euphoria. Results leading to legitimate happiness. A need to connect with others who feel the way that you do. A desire to create. A desire to find the good in people. You obtain proof that it is possible.

How do I know this? Because I have lived through both sets. I have been through both highs and lows.

I believe that most of the country lives in the first set. People have created an inaccurate reality for themselves. When people say, “I’m just being realistic,” they really mean, “I am taking action at what is a ‘normal’ pace in this world.”

When you say to someone, “Don’t bother going after that. I’m just being realistic,” the worst thing that could happen is they listen to you. You are stopping someone from discovering on their own what they are capable of doing, which is truly infinite. You are making them live in your inaccurate reality. If they believe you, you strip them of their dreams and possibilities. You get them to connect with you, and then you can feel better about hating others. Who are you to say that to them?

When you say to someone, “Go after it! Put everything you have into it! Do what you want to do!” they will do what they want and they will see results.

People, if you want to do something, you have a total right to do it. You also have the right to immerse yourself in it in any way you want. If you really want something, I recommend you become it. Swim in it. Allow it to happen completely.

When people tell me they want to be a stand-up comic, I often ask them, “How many hours a day do you put into your career? How many times a week do you go up? How authentic is your art? How much do you fill the club? What out-of-the-box strategies do you use? Do you write headliners, who are where you want to be, constantly?”

When people analyze why they are not where they want to be, they might notice that it is because they could have been doing way more to become that, but haven’t.

If you are investing 30 minutes a day into your career, and 9 hours a day into the Internet, alcohol, endless procrastination and trying to get laid, of course it is going to take you a while. You are not becoming a comic. You are a person who is wading in the water when you could dive in.

You will notice that the people who are truly successful are diving in. Some people have issues with successful people, and some of the issues they have are understandable. But if you want to, you can find the good or the bad in everyone.

Say what you want about Dane Cook. But he showed us that you can go from zero to Madison Square Garden with nothing but open-minded ideas. He created the MySpace marketing campaign, an original marketing strategy that all comics now use. Comics should be thanking him for this, and also for showing us the possibilities; that it’s possible to fill stadiums using nothing but your mind. If you think you are better, that is awesome; step up and do it. Otherwise, complain, and watch the lack of results, and all of the dreams that you will destroy around you.

The good news is this: At any second, this is changeable. In this one life, if you want something, step up to the plate and get it. But I recommend that you actually do it. Go full force. Immerse yourself in the world you want. Become the comic or the singer or the artist, or whatever you want to be. There is no wrong way to learn how to do what you want. You have the right to use as many routes as you can find, take as many classes as you are able, write as many jokes as you can, get as much coaching as you need, go up as much as possible. There is enough room for everyone. Do not be controlled by others, and do not try to control others and tell them how it has to be, because you might be wrong.

Stopping something that could have happened is a disaster.

“The truly great tragedy is the destruction of our human resources by our failure to fully utilize our abilities, which means that most men and women go to their graves with their music still in them.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

Make it all or nothing. It is possible. Life is either a red light or a green light, the problem is, many people just sit at yellow. Do it or don’t, unless you are okay with average results. Don’t let subtle little vices and doubters stop you. They are wrong. Actually take action.

I am going to be working on myself, my revised stand-up career, and offering help to others, uninterrupted. Louie Anderson, many other headliners, producers, agents, club owners, and myself have a goal. The goal is to re-boom the comedy scene and get people passionate about going to comedy clubs again. If comics work together, become more authentic, fill rooms, market better, have good etiquette, just basically step up their game, this could easily be the reality.

You are welcome to join us. Whether you want help on your career, or you want to help others, my offer is open to EVERYONE. Once again, you are welcome to join us.

Top headliners who are interested in joining us and working on this, please write me. I am available at Kylecease@yahoo.com and at www.standupbootcamp.com

I am now in Chicago and thought that I would try writing a bit for my hour special. I don’t know what I will write about, I just know starting blindly helps. Understand that this is a sketch pad and wont be grammatically correct and stuff. Its just free typing.

People ask me constantly if I am ever going to have kids. Well I don’t know if its constantly, Cause that would be annoying.

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle, are you ever going to have kids?

Kyle: No. do you guys want to go to…..

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle, are you ever going to have kids?

Kyle: No. anyways, you guys want to go have a soccer match with the Hitlers of….

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle….

That would be painfully annoying. Man, that would be weird. If everything annoying just got painful too……like every time you get into a fight with your girlfriend, you get an injury on your head? I would never want an injury on my head. however I would like a hamburger. I think if things could ever be hamburger annoying that would rock.

Not literally rock though. I mean that would be awesome. I wish things did actually rock. I went to my friends house and he said we were going to go to his grandmas house, cause she rocks. I thought that was ridiculous, until, I got there and she actually was putting on a death metal concert and snorting coke.

Not actual coke, that would be weird if she snorted actual coke, and got high. Not actually high like in the air. High like in a different world.

Not an actual different world. Cause that would be weird if grandma actually went to mars and snorted cocaine while she was rocking with a band. That would suck.

Not actually suck. That would be weird if the situation was performing oral. Not actually performing.

That would be weird if the situation was on a stage performing a musical called oral.

So anyway. Sorry I went off on a tangent. Anyway people ask me (constantly) if I want children and I think I dont know yet.

(I was tempted to end it there, but now I want to do something about kids. aside from eating babies. (A reference to a cd/dvd I have out.(one dimple(number one first comedic astist release of 2006 (comedy central records (they also have Dane Cook (su-fi stands for super finger (I dont think they know it also could stand for supper filing.(I think we should file our suppers( I would put enchiladas under e ( for enchiladas(Who loves parenthesis?? (I do (Me (Kyle Cease (CD/DVD in stores. ))))))))))))))

I don’t know because like having a child is all like, you know, all like ;> because they are all and I am all ok <3

sorry I let a 15 year old girl write that last sentence, I had to go jogging. That's right, I was gone for an hour. That's how stupid she is. She is even too dumb to go clubbing......at clubs.(not baby seals or golf club collecting)

So anyway, I keep going off on tangents.

People keep coming up and asking if I am going to have kids.

I love kids, but I also like when I am done visiting them. I dont think that these 16 year old girls on Maury Povich having sex with several 40 year old guys understand what having a baby is really like.

Maury: Cassandra with tattoos, why are you having sex with all these men?

Cassandra with tattoos: MAAAUUURYY I can do what I waan and dis is my bodis ok Maury.

Audience: (for some reason) boooooooooo

Cassandra with tattoos: Shut the F(BLEEEP!!!) up! Shut the f(BLEEP!) up you dont know me?

Maury: alright Cassandra with tattoos, sit down.

Cassandra with tattoos: (with stomach and side fat coming out of a way to tight and short white t shirt that shows the lead singer from Kreed on it) Dey don't know me Maury!

Maury: Ok. I also hear that you call your mother names.

Cassandra with tattoos: F(BLEEP) Yeah I do! I call her a F(ucking) B(BLEEP)

Audience: BOOOOOOOOO (lots of snapping and pointing to the right for some reason)

Cassandra with Tattoss: You shut up!

Maury: Well we have someone here who is going to have a talk with you. Say hello to Giant Seargent Army Guy.

Audience: (Goes ape shit while military guy comes in)

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (runs down audience isle, comes up to Cassandra with Tattoos) You need to respect your mother!!!!!!!!! I will tear you up so quick....

Cassandra with tattoos: (Immediately Stands up, stomach fat back out for veiwing) You cant touch me you cant tell me what the BL(fuck) to do!

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (Realizing she is right, starts sweating,) GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND DO PUSH UPS

Cassandra with Tattoos: NO

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (Scared look)

Maury: (sweating) uhhhh, we are going to go to commercial.

Maury song: da da da doot doot

Commercial: Polident for your butt hole is...........

So anyway I don't think that those girls know what its like to have kids. They dont care much and they don't realize that the kids wont leave after a day.

Imagine being stuck in traffic for like an hour, and there is a screaming baby in your car. You will get out at the end and say. "Wow, That was a whole hour with a baby. That was the worst thing that there is."

Better yet imagine a four hour flight with the usual woman from a bad state who smells bad and brings a fridge next to her as a carry on. I find that they all ask the same questions. Now I just have a card with the answers to each question I am always asked.

#1. Los Angeles

#2. Originally Seattle.

#3. Comedian

#4 No, I have never worked with Jeff Foxworthy

#5. Yes you can eat this

#6 Did you eat all of it?

#7 Its fine I have more

#8 ummm yeah one more bite is ok.

#9 What the fuck? Now I have no food.

SO imagine that you have to have that flight with her, and then the plane lands. You are about to get off, and the plane just takes off again.

You are thinking wait a minute. I have stuff to do. I am meeting people at the bar. But you cant go see them Because this lady came out of your vagina.

She just starts screaming and yelling, everyone on the plane is looking at you like you hit her. Then she craps her pants, and its your job to change her. You have to do this 4 hour flight 6 times a day 365 days a year, for 18 years.

So, I am not sure yet. I think I might have kids, I don't know.

PS. If you feel like voting for me, I wont get mad at you.

There is a site for bread pudding.

I found an actual site for bread pudding. it has a recipe and then there are real reviews. I decided to review it too. this is my real review.

So there I was, about to go to our daily Church picnic with Father Reverend Jones and his partner Preist Docter Norse. We were all going to bring a delightful dish. Janet made her usual Jesus muffins with the little sprinkles that spell Doomsday on them. Edwin made her (and yes, Edwin is a her, hes not an evil flimsy though. ) sugarless Popsicle surprise. It doesn’t have that evil sugar, so we can all be thankful. And then there was me. I was told to make my bread pudding, but if lord and his followers could help me, I was told by Father Benjamin that Ernold wasn’t a huge fan of my usual bread pudding. I couldn’t believe my god ears. So I rushed and rushed as if my controlling husband was in the same city. I looked everywhere, I went to every site on the internet. And that’s when it dawned on me. I was actually looking up bread pudding on the internet. I felt like I was wasting my life since I married my husband and his other wives at 14. I realized that I have no self esteem because the way that I was raised and this prompted me to not only look up bread pudding online, but read, and then write reviews on it. After that, for the first day in my life, I walked outside unaccompanied. There is a world out there, beyond, wall mart and Bush (He is the greatest.) I then looked under my husbands books to find the code to unblock the internet to look up other things beside recipes. There is a whole world out there. I now can think for myself and I can jog too. I left my husband and then too celebrate needed bread pudding. I looked up this one and loved it. The recipe was a bit too eggy though. I am not quite sure how to spell eggey.

This is a paper that I wrote in college. Probably for English class.

RAYMOND

As I headed down the street, I tried to remember what the man looked like. From what I can recall, he was about 6 feet tall, weighed probably 200 pounds, and his jacket was as smooth as silk. There were several reasons for this. One was probably the fact that his jacket was made of silk.
I remember the first time that I saw him. I was at home, watching a delightful episode of my favorite show “Chain Reaction” when I heard my door.

“Knock, knock, knock, rang my unusual doorbell. Right away, I knew what that meant. I had to answer it.

As I got up, I noticed that my back hurt, and my back had not hurt for a while, other then the surgery I had earlier that day.

I opened the door very slowly. It was a man. He was about 2 feet tall, 150 pounds. “Can I help you?” I said, but I felt like I was talking down to him.

“Yes.” He said with glee. “I have a friend who needs to stay here. You will know who he is.:
“Uhh, I’m sorry?” I said, without glee. I looked up for a second, then looked back down. When I looked down, I noticed he was digging a hole.

“You will know who he is. That is all that I can tell you.”

By the time he finished that sentence, he had dug a hole about 2 feet deep, just big enough for him to jump into.

“Can you tell me anymore?” I asked, with a mediocre amount of glee.

“No.” he said, jumping into the hole. I think he was trying to make some kind of magical exit, such as disappearing into the hole. However, he just kind of jumped in there, screaming what he thought was “magical sounds.”

“Kicky Bicky!” He said, the amount of glee on this one was measured at about five. “Kicky, Sticky, Bicky.”

When nothing happened, he just kind of looked at me in a frustrated way. He had a look on his face that said, “OK I am kind of nuts. I thought I could just jump into a hole and disappear, but who am I trying to kid?” You know that look?

He climbed out of the hole. “This is Bullshit.” He said. We are talking no glee here. He then walked away.

The next day I heard a knock on the door. “Knock Knock,” it rang.
I opened it. It was a man who looked exactly the same as the first man, except this man was six feet tall, and had a mustache. He was wearing a coat that covered his entire body, and all you could see was his head sticking out of the coat. Very quickly I realized that it was the first man, and his coat was covering the stilts that he was standing on. This idea was not confirmed until his mustache fell off.

“You again?” I said.

He suddenly looked scared and disappointed that I figured out who he was. But he just started talking.

“What do you mean? ‘You again?’ You haven’t seen me before.”

“Yes I have” I said. “I remember you.” As I said this, I blinked. When I opened my eyes from that blink, I realized that he was digging again in my yard. After about five seconds of digging, he had completed a hole that I think was supposed to be 6 feet deep, but it ended up being 2 feet, which I think he dug out of habit.

“Of course you remember me, you are me.” He said, really dramatically, he then jumped into the hole, trying to look magical again.

The problem this time was that the hole was only 2 feet deep. He jumped into it with the stilts on, so he looked really stupid here.

“Look.” I said, “Are you going to leave me alone, or what.”

“Or what!” he replied, and tried to crawl out.

As he got out, he fell over, mainly because of the stilts. He got up, took the stilts off, and grabbed Raymond off of the lawn.

“RAYMOND!” I screamed, hearing no reply.

The next morning I was reading the local paper, which contained a story of a midget that went door to door harassing people. Right away I thought about how sorry I was felt for the people that the midget was harassing. I thought about this as I went to the refridgerator to get some orange juice. That was when it dawned on me. I don’t really enjoy orange juice that much. It doesn’t give me the pep that I need to get me goin’ in the mornin’.

Suddenly my phone rang. It was a white phone with numbers that were light green, and lit up when you picked up the phone. (I wrote this part because I know that during the part of the class when everybody tells me what I should change, or how to improve the story, at least one person will say, “You need to describe the area more.” Now you can’t say it.) I answered the phone. It was the midget. He told me that I needed to meet him at Jones Park with some money if I wanted to see Raymond alive. “I don’t care if you keep or hurt Raymond.” I said. Raymond is my pet pile of leaves. And hung up.

I never saw him, or Raymond again. Sometimes I leave a pile of leaves out, hoping he will come by and take them……But he never does.

Dear Greg,

Its me, your Stephanie. I want you to know that we have been like together for a long time now and I think that we are all, bad and stuff. Thats us. Do you know what I mean? We are all, like bad and stuff. I mean you are all :{, but I am like :_. Thats us. All :{ and :_.

When we saw Bill, who wears an eye patch and was all ;} you were all making fun of him and shit and totally. You were like :O! But he was all, ;{ because he was sad. You shouldnt all be all like that. Its Effed up, lol asap. ALSO I NOTICED THAT IM NOT IN YOUR TOP 8 LOL!!! THATS SO BAD! IM SO HURT ABOUT THIS!!!!!LOL

The reason I think that we are all like that is because when I want to talk seriously, like You get all ;[][][. And Thats just wrong LOL. I dont like understand why you said that stuff about all Amber and shit. She is all so totally. Thats right, she is all so totally. Im all like texting and shit, like :<<< You are all saying stuff about Amber, all like. She is all totally.

What im lol getting at is that YMCA you are ups and (J )! What TF!!! Sometimes Im all having a GT with DG. And one day she came up to m and said, Girl, you have LGG!!!! I agreed withDG! I all have to let you go. So my P is that I feel that W are bad. Bad is all, Grag and Stephanie are me. So Im all breaking UWY. Also, YRPMOATBBG,EWTHTTTBR.HWST,ITBAHW*

Here are the things I need back lol. I like have left 3 pairs of WTF pants at your crib. They say Juicy, Hot, and lol Clueless. Just so you know Greg, I put lol at random on here, the lol pants dont actually say lol clueless. That would be funny!!! Hahahaha 24/7! LOLOLOLOLOL Thats really out loud!!! Hahahah lololololol!!! Could you imagine it being that loud? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I cant stop Greg! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Someone help me!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

WTF I cant breathe!!! I am literally lau.LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Im waking up the neighbors!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO. Greg!!! PLEASE I AM DYLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Good bye Greg, I all died and shiiiii

* denotes that sentence, "You really pissed me off at that baseball game, especially when they had that tribute to Babe Ruth. He was so talented, its too bad about his womanizing."

I just discovered that I was a very weird child.

Not too long ago, I was visiting my family in Seattle. While is was there, my mom gave me something from my childhood, so I thought that I would share it with you.

When I was in 4th grade, my teacher gave our class an assignment to write a story. It could be about anything. Many kids wrote fairy tale type stories, or stories about animals, but I had a whole different idea.

The only challenge was it had to include 5 facts from any historical event that happened. I chose the eruption of Mount ST Helens. You should also note that this was in 1988, when George Bush senior was running for president against Michael Dukakis, and in the republican primaries, he was running against Pat Roberston.

This story is not some bit, this is the real story that I wrote, verbatim.

THE BAD CAMPAIGN

Written and Illustrated by

Kyle Cease

Grade 4

Seattle Washington

Dedicated with love to my mom, dad and my brother,

And not with love to George Bush, Michael Dukakis, Pat Robertson and Michael Jackson

Page 1.

A guy named George Bush was running for president of the United States of America (he was running against Pat Robertson.) Pat Robertson was from Wisconsin and the campaign was for Wisconsin.

Poor Pat said he would do something terrible if he lost. The big announcement came (for who won Wisconsin) and the winner is. SQUAYEZ @#$RF#*(a big shake interrupted the speaker.)

The big shake was MT. ST. Helens erupting. (They were having the campaign announcement in Seattle; where they got the shake.)

Page 2

A nice young Floridian name Jack was watching the campaign report and he had heard who won. After the shake was over, Jack called the announcer and Bush’s campaign manager and told them that Bush had won.

When he told them who won, they had him fly (American Airlines) to Bush’s office for about 3 days (as a reward). They asked him to join the campaign staff. He told them he couldn’t because he lived so far away.

Page 3

When he got there, he couldnt believe what the place looked like. The American Flag was in one corner and his desk was under it. There were 3 rooms, all bedrooms and a butler.

Page 4.

After he had been given the tour of campaign headquarters, they got into a conversation about how ash clouds resemble cauliflower. George Bush first observed this particular phenomena.

Page 5.

Finishing this enlightening conversation, Bush also noted that the latest edition of the Times claimed that the path of ash was 20 meters wide across Eastern Washington. As they chatted, Pat Robertson came in with a gun. Tell me more, he screamed with rage. (He was still annoyed about losing the campaign.) Okay, retorted George, scared of the gun. Ash rises at a minimum of 500 MPH. Ash traveled around the world. Tell me one more thing, ordered Robertson. Ohhhhh-Kaaaaay said Bush. In some places ash and debris were reported to be as much as 2000 feet deep. Great! said Pat, and he left.

Page 6

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The author is an awesome 10 year old who likes to tell jokes, ride his bike around the block, read, write, just play with his yo-yo and just generally have fun. His favorite TV show is The Cosby Show

The greatest book ever written.

Today I had one of the longest phone conversations that I have ever had with my father. I don’t talk to him that frequently, yet we somehow are close in many ways. I say that our closeness goes back and forth because I really love talking to him, although I remember one time when I realized we still have work to do. I was about to meet him at one of his motorcycle conventions (to be discussed later). He said on the phone to me “I will be the one in the hat.” I thought about it for a second and realized he would have specified things a lot more if he had said “I will be the one that looks like Alan Cease, your father who you have seen all your life. This is especially true considering that seventy percent of the people at the convention were wearing hats. I don’t think that I was going to walk up to him, look at his face and think “Is this my father?” then I would suddenly look up and see the magical identification hat….”Daddy!!!!!!”

Today I wanted to tell my father about the first chaper that I wrote. I thought that it was kind of funny and wanted him to hear it. I think that the conversation went something like this;

“Ring Ring” (That was the phone)

“Yello?”

“Hi Dad!”

“Hi Kevin”

“No dad, it is actually not Kevin, it is……..”

“Dale! wow, I haven’t heard from you in years! So, how is the Doctor life?”

“No Dad, It’s Kyle”

long pause……………”Who?”

“Your son….Ky…

“Oh my son! So I was right the first time, it is Kevin! I didn’t know that you were a doctor!”

“No dad, I am not a doctor. Also you are thinking of my brother, who is also not a doctor.”

“I know that Kyle is not a Doctor, he is a comedian, and a great one I might say. Kevin quit picking on your brother.” (Click)

“Ring Ring” (This still is the phone)

“Ring Ring” (This is actually my dad now.)

“Hello? Dad?”

“What Kevin? or as you like to be called Doctor Kevin,”

“No dad this is Kyle, Kevin’s Brother………….(long pause)……………..Your son…………….(longer pause)……………………..your first son?”

“Oh Kyle!!!!!!!! How are you? Your brother Kevin and I were just talking about you. He even did an impression of you!”

“No he didn’t, that was me.”

“Oh so you are a Doctor now?”

“No, I am a….

“Cause Dale called and told me that Kevin said you were going to med school….”

“No not at all I…

“Hold on there is a call on the other line…..Hello?”

“Still me dad.”

“Oh hold on Kevin I am on the other line with Kyle and he said that you were lying about him going to med school.”

“No Dad I never said that. and this is still…….”

“Oh now you are calling me a liar, you might want to explain to Kyle why you told me that.”

“Well dad, I am Ky…….”

“I am sick of this crap. I don’t want to talk to you or Dale any more. I am going to talk to Kyle now”

“Dad this is……..(thinking about this for a second) OK dad, I sure am Kevin and I will always lie to you. Bye!”

“Good Rittence!……(buttons being pushed)………….Kyle?”

“Hi dad…….

So later my brother Kevin called me.

“hello?”

“Hey Kyle, it’s Kevin. Have you talked to dad lately?”

long pause thinking about which way this lie should go…….”No not for a while”

“Oh cause I just tried to call him and he said “”Now what do you want?”" Then I said “”Hi dad, I was just seeing how you are doing.” “Dad just replied with “”Look crap monger, I fought in ‘Nam. You have to wake up a lot earlier than that to trick this ol’ timer.”" Then he hung up. Do you have any clue what this is about?”

“No………..(Akward pause)……So! are you still a doctor?”

“What? Are you Serious? I install tile.”

(I am thinking…)…..click

(kevin) “Hello? What the hell is wrong with this family”

I am guessing that Kevin said that last part. I am not sure since I had hung up.

PS. It is later now. My dad was at motorcycle conventions.

PPS. I am just kidding. This is just a bit. The truth is my brother installs kitchen tile, not just tile in general.

I need to get motivated to write more. I am trying to decide how to do it. I thought of a great idea that could kill 2 birds with one stone. By the way, how cool would it be to actually throw a stone and kill 2 birds? And what a morbid phrase to make the point, “complete 2 tasks simultaneously”

Before the phrase, cave men were sitting around saying things like, “I had to make a trail in the sand, and pull a woman by her hair. So I pulled her by her hair and made a trail at the same time. I got 2 things done at once.” And caveman 2 was like, “What do you mean?” And caveman 1, or as we will referr to him as “Count Fabulous” was like. “I finished both things together.” and then it was time to hunt for dinner, 2 birds. Their weapons? Two stones.

Up until that point, they had to use 2 stones, because no one was ever that good at stone throwing, even cave men. Some of them even had to use 3. For example “Three Stone Tony” (Im guessing that was his name, but come on. What else are you gonna call him? (remember, this was before baby naming books.))

So they started their hunting. Count Fabulous and Caveman 2 (Actually his real name, (baby name books)) got ready. They got both of their stones out, and saw their target…..two birds.

So Count Fabulous threw the one stone, it hit the first bird, who had an illness, (lets go with the bird flu). That bird turned to the second bird, coughed in its face and then died. Bird 2 (lets name him…bird 2. bird naming books) flew off. Three days later it flew back and died from the illness it got from Billiamic (the first bird) right in front of Count Fabulous and Caveman 2, who were still sitting there, waiting for something to do. Since they had saved so much time from the dragging of the woman and making the trail at the same time they had time to sit and reflect.

Later Caveman 2’s wife came out of their 2 bedroom cave and said “what happened?” Caveman 2 said “He just killed 2 birds with one stone!” “who did? she replied?” “He, who casts the first stone!” Also Count Fabulous had never sinned, and for a long time, he was referred to as “He who is without sin” Minutes after that, they started inventing baby naming books.

……..and thats how they came up with the phases “Kill 2 birds with 1 stone” and “He who is with out sin casts the first stone” I told you how they came up with both phrases at the same time. Like dragging a woman and making a trail simultaneously.