The following is based on a blog that I wrote on relationships last May. Happy Valentines day.
I am realizing it is the 2 year anniversary of the last big argument I have ever had. I have been in relationships for the last 15 years really. I went from girlfriend to girlfriend with no more then a couple of months in between them. It has been a huge learning experience. I had one relationship that ended two years ago today. I had been with a girl for two and a half years on and off. We had fought all of the time, about nothing. We were fighting just to fight. I now can look back and realize that the problems weren’t at all this issues that we were arguing about. The problems were in how we were CHOSING to respond to each other. The minute I flipped one thing….I got a whole different life.
We would fight about everything. Everything. I got in trouble over everything, making her get in trouble over everything. We would get upset over ex relationships, I got in trouble even if a friend of an ex even came to a show. Hours and hours and hours of fighting, with no end. Then we would break up, miss each other, and get back together. I now look back and think “How could I stay in this situation?” Does this sound familiar?
I look back with the knowledge I now have, and know exactly why I stayed.
All humans need love and connection. We need it to live. The problem is, a lot of times, they confuse connection and love. When someone is being a jerk to someone else, that person will be acknowledging you in a negative, but it is still a connection none the less. We get connection from millions of ways. When someone says they are “depressed”, that is a word that the other people around understand and give affection very often to the person. If a person complains about their day, they are getting affection and connection to the person that is listening. Not necessarily the connection they should be trying to get, but still connection none the less.
So if you are a guy in a relationship, and the person around you says…”You want to have sex with that other girl.” and you say back “NO! BABY! I love you so much!” You have just conditioned to that girlfriend a little bit, that if she says something negative, you will give her connection, often affection even. This is a very brief simple example of how couples that fight, keep fighting, and keep staying together. Think about it.
We do it gradually too. With most couples, we gradually get worse and worse in this kind of conditioning. So we don’t even notice there is a problem. If you had a first date with a girl and she out of nowhere says, “You want to have sex with this girl, don’t you?” You would immediately leave. But isn’t it interesting that we do stay with people for years even after they say crazy stuff like that? Or worse? I think we all know a girl or guy in an abusive relationship here or there, who just “can’t” leave? Why is that? If he was a dick on day one, she would have left in a heartbeat? Now, something is keeping you there…your emotions. That’s your emotions making you make different decisions even if it is harmful to you. This is the best example of your emotions using you, versus you using your emotions.
If you had map quested what you want, you would never be tied into these emotional roller coasters. Mapquest 30 things you want in a person…..I do it all of the time. IT has prevented me from staying in relationships that I shouldn’t be in. My list includes,
I want someone who is honest. I want someone who is confident. I want someone who is driven. I want someone who is trusting. I want someone who is encouraging. I want someone who is caring…..etc.
Having that clarity is the most important thing before you have any first date. When we settle for someone that doesn’t meet the values that we want, then guess what, its not that person you want. It’s the feeling of connection that you have falsely associated to relationships. When I hear a girl say “I want a boyfriend.” she is saying she wants connection. But this is the worst time for her to get a boyfriend then. Because she is saying “I cant feel connection on my own.” This is relationship poison.
If you think that the only thing that makes you happy is the person you are with, then you are in deep shit. IF you make that association, then you will live in fear. You will be in fear all of the time. Because, “What if that person leaves you?” Your fear will be that then you wont be happy. So what do we do? We get insecure. We get clingy. Sometimes we even cheat because then we know we will still have connection. We make the other person feel pressure. What if the person cheats? Then you will be ruined! These thoughts are the biggest turn off to the other person and if the person stays with you while you act like that, then they themselves are insecure too.
Confident people don’t stay in these situations. They have the clarity on what they want. They don’t want a person who doesn’t trust. They don’t want a person who sees them as the ONLY thing that makes them happy. That is too much pressure, and confident people understand that and have the confidence to get out. Fearful people stay with the fearful. Making fights the source of their connection. Because to them, connection is better then nothing at all….
Most relationships are a combination of connections and emotions and not even love at all. Love is only something that you give out. You don’t look for love. Have you ever sent a text message that says “I love you” to someone that you are with, and then sat there and waited for a reply? Is that love? Or is that a test? Why would you test someone you love? You wouldn’t. We so often say I love you, just because we want to hear it back. That is a connection. Not love. Do you know when you are feeling love? When you do the things on the earlier blogs and you feel a sense of accomplishment. When you map quest what you want, you are connecting with yourself in a loving positive way, When you do something that gives you growth. It is unconditional and it is something you give to yourself, and you give out. That is it.
When you are completely connected with yourself, and know what you want in a relationship, career or life, you are giving yourself a huge direction to make sure your life is amazing as a person. When you realize that you are fine as is and don’t need anyone to be happy….Guess what that will attract?
THE PERSON OF YOUR DREAMS!
Anyone will want to be with you and that energy. Anyone would kill to have the person who knows that they are the shit. Anyone would kill to be near someone who is in control of their life. They will want to be faithful and caring and loving and trusting, because since you are with yourself, you would be with them. Guess what else? IF they do screw up, get on the fence about that relationship, if they do cheat, if they are abusive……NEXT! That’s it. If a person is not a good person and doesn’t fill your mapquest….BE THANKFUL! They gave you valuable information…They are saying to you….”I am don’t have the qualities that you want in a person.” then you use that information and you steer your ship to a new direction. Remember, you have this new connection with yourself, so you are fine alone, until the right person (out of the 3.2 billion available, and for bisexuals 6 billion!) comes along. What a fun adventure! When someone cheats on you, don’t cry about it and tell everyone forever to feel a sense of connection falsely….Say to yourself “WOW! This is huge information! This isn’t even a little mistake. This is a person who if I stay with, I will have trust issues for life.” BYE!
Let me ask you this. If your friend was in a relationship and not happy, you would try to stop it, right? WHY!? Because you don’t like seeing your friend unhappy. If your friend was cheated on, and the other person showed no sign of change……you would talk them into leaving, because you want to see them be powerful again. Well why do you stay yourself? Is your connection to your friend more important to you then the love of yourself?
Everyday that goes by with the wrong person is another day in your life you could have met the right one. You might have met someone amazing who is totally confident and faithful. But you weren’t available to let them in. So now you are stuck unhappy with old Cheaty McHitterton and you will remain that way. Connect with yourself first. Get clarity, make changes, take action. I am doing it, and I still am not in a relationship……but I am happy, and the people I have been meeting recently have been fitting what I am looking for much more. I have been way happier right now then I was over a year ago. I also know the right one is coming. I have that clarity and I whole new branch of amazing people has been opening up.
There is a great analogy in the book, “The Mastery of Love” it said. “Imagine you had a giant feast everyday at your big beautiful house. People were coming in and out of that house with amazing food and you have amazing food for them. You are just having a blast and you loved giving it to them and they did to you. Then some dude shows up at the door with a half assed pizza, and he says to you “You can have this pizza, but there is something you have to do what I say, and become what I want you to be.” You would say, “Oh Im sorry, but I already have food and people going on and I don’t need your pizza. Bye!” But if you were starving in a crappy old apartment looking for ANYTHING to eat, and that same guy showed up and said the same thing, you would take it.” Well, that is the same as love. As you connect with yourself, and you can be truly truly content by yourself….you will have the greatest person in the world for you. I promise.
Step back and look at your relationship with whoever you are with (if single do it with yourself) Does this person fit my needs? My mapquest? If not, can you talk to them about it? Can you make that situation better? Start saying “HOW can I make this situation better?” Work on those changes, but realize this. In relationships there are two of you.
If that person isn’t adapting and making those changes, then it might be time to say, “How can I get those needs met? The answer might be to leave….and sometimes when you do, that person will make the changes. IF not, then leaving was a really great thing.
Realize that if you want to mean it when you say you love someone, don’t expect anything in return. Just be happy knowing that they heard it. Don’t do something to get something back. Do it because it feels so good and you will get a return you wont believe. Check this out.
This entire story is a completely true story. Not one ounce of it was exaggerated.
About 3 months ago, I was in Western Michigan doing a college called Albion University. The next morning I had to take a cab back. This was scheduled for an hour a half. My flight was at 10:30, and I needed to be at the airport by 9:30am. So I scheduled the cab to pick me up at 8am, leaving very little time for traffic or whatever.
The next morning I woke up, went outside and it had snowed….a lot. There was snow everywhere. Traffic was not going to be moving much….I got in the cab. Immediately I noticed the car was an old piece of crap, I stuck my head in, and saw the back of the head of the cab driver. He was probably mid 50s, had really dirty scraggly hair, heard a lot of coughing, and he was SMOKING IN THE CAB! HE turned around and was just wrinkles, anger and grey.
We started driving. I asked him how he was doing. He just started complaining. Telling me how terrible his life is. How his back hurts, how he goes through all of these surgeries, he gets fired from everywhere, how he hates his life. He mentioned also that he was going through a divorce, and in a month he has a custody battle over his 8 year old son. “I know that bitch is going to take him.” He said as he slowly weaved through different cars which had spun out. There were police around the cars and it was going to be a while. So since we were stuck in the car together, I decided I would start motivating this guy.
I started explaining to him about focus. I start telling him that his son was the leverage that could push him to make his changes. I mean if he did learn about this stuff, and showed up into the courtroom a month later well groomed with a new understanding and his ex wife really was crazy, he could get his son back. WOW. We talked and talked and as we did, I literally watched him sit up differently, get color into his face, and feel more confident. Its was amazing. I also realized I was getting close to the possibility to miss my flight.
It got to 9:28 and I need to be there in 2 minutes to check in. I was no where near the airport still. So I decided to see if I could check in online with my phone’s internet. I went on Delta.com and found the flight, as I was about to check in, it said, “You must check in online OVER one hour before. Meaning I had about a minute and a half then the machine would cut me off. At 9:29 am, I clicked the check in button, it slowly loaded, then it said, “you are checked in” about 3 seconds before the time switched to 9:30. Now I had a little longer…..
We get to the airport at 10:10am. My flight has been boarding for 10 minutes. I don’t physically have a printed ticket still, The doors will close at the gate in 10 minutes. I don’t get out of the car. I was too into motivating the cab driver that I wanted to continue. I was on fire and it was working. This guy was going to get his kid and change his life. When we pulled up to the curb, he said, “Sir, we are here.” I said, “It ok, there will be later flights, I want to keep talking about this.” The guy started tearing up. “No one has ever been this nice to me. Especially a stranger.” I just kept going.
I paid him the fare and added… “Here is a 20 dollar tip. This is your 20. You can do whatever you want with it. You have felt dramatic change in the last two hours. That is not from me. That is from you deciding to take that info in. When I am gone you still have your own choices to make and you really need to see that it is all up to you. So with this 20, you can go into a Borders or Barnes and Noble and buy any self help, continued growth book that you want. You can do this and take your first action towards change on your own. OR You can buy a lot of new cigarettes.” He understood what I meant. Whatever action he takes is his own decision making that makes him start his own path. I continued. “Then after that, I want you to go home, and write me an email. Write it as if it is one month from now. Write me and tell me about your kid, and how you got him back. Tell me what changes you made, what you bought, what you did when I went into the airport. How you changed. Then, after you write it, I want you to put it in your drafts folder. You can only send it to me in a month from now, but write it today.” Talk about mapquest. I was making this guy see his vision of what to do and what needed to be done. He said ok. I left.
It was now 10:16. The door closes at my gate in 4 minutes, I still had to get my printed ticket, and I had to go through security. I went into the airport feeling great after talking to the cab driver. I walked in. All airlines except mine had lines of people going out the door. Delta had no lines. I walked right up to the counter. “Hi, I went online and got a ticket but I don’t have the printed ticket.” The lady got my info, and typed it in. “Sorry, but there is no way you will make it.” “Can I at least try?” I asked her anxiously, “OK, fine.” I grabbed my ticket as a manager rounded the corner. He looked at my info, approached me and said something I have never heard in all of my years of flying….”I will tell you what. The hotel that is connected to this airport right here has a secret security entrance. Go in there, go to the right, down the stairs and you are there.” I couldn’t believe it, so a jetted. Not one person was in the security line. I went right through, showed the TSA lady my ticket at 10:19am. Door closes at 10:20. “You aren’t going to make it!” I said I would try!
I got to the other side of the security. Out of no where, a cart showed up with a lady driving it. “You want a ride sir?” I couldn’t believe this. They never offer that to non handicapped people. I accepted. She hauled ass to a very far away end of the airport. I got there as they were closing the gate. I yelled “WAIT!” and they held the door open for 3 more seconds. I went home. IT doesn’t end there.
When my friend Kristen picked me up from the airport, I told her all about this. We went into Starbucks and for no reason at all they just offered to give us the food and drinks for that day. STARBUCKS! Just no reason. I don’t know why all these nice things fell into place. Religious people might say, “Act of GOD” Others might say “Coincidence.” I am not religious, nor am I skeptical. Whatever your meaning is, you are right. I like seeing it as an unconditional act of love going out, and then coming back when I didn’t expect it.
By the way, a month later I got a letter from a cab driver. Guess who got his kid back?
