Read blogs 1 through 9 first.

I have decided to write slightly a little less each time and I don’t want to bulletin these anymore. The reason is because I want to make these blogs about you. I don’t want this to at all be me saying “Look what Kyle is doing!” I will do that with my comedy. This is about me just enjoying sharing the lessons I have learned because I am enjoying this sense of contribution. It makes me feel great to see you enjoying these and I am not doing it to attract more people……I will also be getting shorter because this is all you.

I will end each blog with a referral to an amazing book, cd or movie, so you can continue.

I mentioned earlier how we can use problems to our advantage. I am in the habit of having every problem be an opportunity for me. It has been incredibly powerful for my life and my stress levels. Everything is an absolute opportunity and if you decide this, the problem completely goes away. We are in a horrific pattern of reacting to a problem with fear and then just feeling fear and closing up. You can use that information from here on out.

Do you know what fear is? It is something that was put in us to get us out of a quick fight or flight situation. It was put into us to save our lives. That is it. Our bodies are not supposed to be just releasing light levels of this fear/stress into our bodies over and over. It has been installed into our bodies to give us information. That information is “We have a situation, and we need to do something about it.” That’s the key. DO something about it. Use it. The minute you truly understand that the problem is amazing and you are going to learn something….It’s over. Your life will be absolutely amazing.

HERE IS THE FIRST STEP….

SEE THE PROBLEM EXACTLY AS IT IS. Not more, not less. The only reason we get more upset about something is we add these things to it that are not true. Then our focus goes to an imaginary world and we get mad. We don’t get mad at the situation exactly. We get mad at the world we made for it.

Have you ever called a person that you were dating, and they didn’t answer? Sometimes you call them hours later and still nothing? Do you know how many people, when given that situation, create situations in their head? I have seen it many times. I even used to experience it. When there is a problem, we tend to exaggerate whatever our prime emotions are. People who worry a lot might think the person is injured. People who are insecure might think the person is cheating. Those thoughts are what actually create the emotions. Then when the person finally calls back, the person could be mad, or scared, or excited, depending on what their prime emotion is.

Look at the situation exactly as it is. That situation is this. THE CALL WENT TO VOICE MAIL. It could be anything. Bad signal, loud room, asleep, cheating, getting you a present, setting up a surprise party, broken phone, not wanting to talk, ANYTHING. This goes with everything. If you are diagnosed with a disease, don’t immediately think “That means I am going to die.” That isn’t the case. Many people decide to focus on the people who have lived through it.

Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with 2 months to live. He didn’t even see that situation as I have 2 months to live. The truth is he was DIAGNOSED with 2 months to live. VERY VERY different. Many past diagnosis have been wrong. Some peoples meaning to that is strength and growth. Lance Armstrong heard that and didn’t think “I am going to die.” He thought “I am going to get a different opinion!” So he went to an eastern doctor, went on a detox and not only cured the cancer, but BECAME AN OLYMPIAN! The meaning was different to him and it created a whole different outcome. He wasn’t picturing the worst situation and feeling that, releasing that stress over and over.

We exaggerate things all the time, to connect with the people we are talking to. We exaggerate how little we slept last night., how bad traffic was, how hungry we are. We say “I am starving!” When we sometimes we just mean hungry.

Did you know that our mind doesn’t know the difference between what we are envisioning and what actually is happening? That’s why when someone tells you a story they act like the story that is happening. If someone tells you of a traumatic experience, they might cry. They cry because they are half living it again and the mind is literally releasing the same chemicals into the body that create that feeling. When they say an amazing accomplishment they once had, they get so excited and animated. That’s why negative people are often less healthy! Their body is constantly fighting the beliefs that these bad things are happening to them right then. So it releases the “fight or flight” chemical in light doses. Making the person literally slightly weaker. It also is lightly hitting our immune system.

So when we say “I AM EXHAUSTED!” – when we are just tired – Our mind subconsciously pictures a time it was way more tired and relives it. So we often get worse when we say the worse situation. Here is an interesting thought, what if you got only 4 hours of sleep last night, but stated that you got 8? HMMMMM Imagine if you said it enough that you believed it? You wouldn’t even be tired!

About 20 years ago, Berkley University did a study where they made two guys sleep. One guy got eight hours, but they changed his alarm clock to make him for sure think that he got 2. They did the opposite with the other guy. They both woke up, looked at the alarm clock (as we all do) and they acted exactly like the info they were given.

The guy who THOUGHT he had 8 hours felt well rested. He believed, with absolute certainty that he was fine. He has conditioned all of his life the knowledge that eight hours of sleep means he feels great! So he was good to go. The other guy who THOUGHT he had 2 hours felt like crap. He literally had blood shot eyes he believed it so much. He walked around telling people how much sleep he got and that made him feel worse.

Then at 3pm that day, they both were told the truth about how much sleep they got. This part blows my mind. The color left one guys face and went right into the others. The guy who now knew that he had eight hours of sleep felt amazing! Think about how much you could change how you feel knowing this.

Part two coming tomorrow. I am starving and exhausted.

Please pick up the book or book on tape “Awaken the Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!” By Tony Robbins.

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Ryan wins the contest with 238 errors caught.  WOW!
Yessica and Kathleen also get something for going out and beyond what they needed to do.

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DAY 8. Results of the contest/Doing more then required/It doesn’t hurt to ask.

If you are new please read blogs 1 through 7 first.

WOW, so I have had fun reading the results of this contest. It was fun to give you guys a chance to correct me and point out my mistakes. I want you to know that I did this exercise for a lot of reasons.

1. To get the results of repetition in you.

Repeating information into your brain will make it understand this process better and better each time you read it. I am hoping that every one of you will do what I do and read this stuff in books daily, go to seminars, get DVDs, etc. I have several of these books on CD in my car. There are many. Here are a few: AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN by Tony Robbins (he has a ton of stuff out), The Secret, Ask and It Is Given by Esther Hicks, The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer, 7 Habits of the Highly Effective Person by Steven Covey, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, Quantum Healing by Deepak Chopra. Just start listening to other things. If you don’t like it, no biggie, try something else.
The results are absolutely endless.

2. To see who would take action and who wouldn’t, and at what level those people did take action.

I will explain below.

3. To show you that just because you make mistakes doesn’t mean that you can’t do something.

As you know, I am not the most amazing speller or grammar guy. As I write more, I think I am getting better, but here is the other thing–SO WHAT? I will get a proofreader and still do what I want to do. So many people look for excuses not to do something. I could have easily said, “I don’t need to write these blogs. I am a great comedian who makes a lot of money entertaining, and I am not a good speller anyway!” Instead I thought, “I will use my bad spelling and grammar to my advantage by teaching that those excuses don’t count. I will still have a book coming out. I will still learn this stuff and I will get a proofreader.”

A great example is overweight people who say, “I have a thyroid problem.” I am not denying they do, and that sucks. However if they use that to run every decision they make, “Why go to the gym? It doesn’t matter. I have a thyroid problem. I will just be lazy and not worry, because I have a thyroid problem anyway.” However, what if you used that thyroid problem? What if you said, “This is making me stronger because I have to do more to be healthy.” Then you would be thankful for it. It is like your boot camp.

One lady wrote me about this contest and said “I was going to do the proofreading thing, and then I realized that all I would be doing there is finding the negative, so I passed on it.” That is an excellent point, and one that I thought of too! However, she still should have read it to get the benefit of repetition. If she had just read the entire thing again and wrote down a report, or re-did the assignments that were on there again, I probably would have made her the winner. Think outside the box. Don’t let little excuses stop you from making big changes.

4. To have you see where you stand right now as an action taker and what you could be like later.

Did you do this contest? If you did, how much did you do?

The people who looked at this and thought, “F*ck this” are the people who need it the most! They are the ones who are focusing on the work more then the outcome (which is discussed in day 2). If your reaction to that is, “Yeah, but I don’t care if I win those CDs,” then you are missing the whole point. This contest is not about my signed stuff. It is about you going on blind faith that you will learn more as you repeat, and also as you feel yourself take action. This will steer an entire new world for you. But if you didn’t, for no reason other then you just didn’t feel like doing it, be aware that you are setting yourself up for a very challenging life. You are conditioned to not take action of things asked of you…as time goes on people will start knowing you as a flake. No job will want to keep the slacker for a long time. Your credit won’t be great. You yourself will not take the action to get what you really want. You are living your life at what I call “AVERAGE.” Guess what? Good news, this is changeable. Just because you did this contest that way doesn’t mean that you will do everything that way. It is not who you are, it’s who you were. That is the point of this whole thing–to help create change.

Did you do the contest, but just answered a few things? Maybe just enough to get by? Then you right now are at a level in which you will live a good life. You will be someone who gets a nice girl or boyfriend. You will have a good job. You will have a nice house. You will live your life at what I call “GOOD.” That is a fun level and a lot of America does it! FUN! GUESS WHAT? You can change it to be more. That’s not who you are, it’s who you were.

If you did the entire thing…If you sent me all of the results, had them all laid out, had every answer, read the thing over and over, really checked it and sent me like 100 typos or more…You are going to have an AMAZING life. You take FULL action; you do everything that is asked of you. You didn’t have to do this, and you did. You will be managing at your company. You will have a fantastic husband or wife. You will give a lot; people will know you are dependable. You will live the life I call “AMAZING.” AWESOME, BUT GUESS WHAT? You can change it to be more. That’s not who you are, it’s who you were.

If you did the entire thing and added MORE THEN WHAT WAS ASKED of you, then you are in a whole different world then everyone else. I mentioned to do 6 of my blogs. But there were 8 big ones up there. 9 if you count the one that I wrote explaining the contest. A couple of people did the extra ones. Those people are automatically going to win some stuff. Even though they might not have won the contest I asked them, they put the extra effort in to do more and think outside of the box. A couple of people asked me on top of doing this contest if they could proofread my blogs from now on. They also didn’t have to ask that and are thinking outside of the box. One of them will start to become my full time proofreader, and when I have a book coming out, I will use her for that…Probably for money, too.

Doing just what is expected is going to give you a good life, but this is about having a life that is so much bigger! You are the person who will OWN many, many companies. You will have THE RELATIONSHIP of your dreams. Imagine if you were constantly surprising your wife with crazy out-of-the-box ideas. You come home from work and say to your spouse, “Honey! Pack your bags, we are going to Greece in the morning!” for no reason at all. You don’t just give him/her surprises because it is a birthday or anniversary and it is expected. You do it because you want to give MORE then expected. You work out that EXTRA hour. You give to society. You CREATE your world. You are someone who knows that the more you put into something, the more payback you will get. This life I call “FUCKING INCREDIBLE AMAZING.” At this level, you will own, have, be everything you want, you could have an animal shelter saving millions of abused animals, you could be helping to cure cancer. You will seek to learn how to be really, really healthy and get sick much less. You will be eating differently; you will encourage others. You will save lives. Examples of people who have had “FUCKING INCREDIBLE AMAZING” lives: Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Tony Robbins, Steve Martin, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Einstein, etc.

This week when you have a task, job, relationship, etc., see what happens if you do a little more then what was asked. Surprise the person you are dating out of nowhere with something crazy. If single, really do some great stuff for yourself. Do these blogs, read some new self-help books. Or listen to them on tape while you work out, etc. Stay an hour late at work and don’t ask for extra money. Just do something cool for your boss. Do extra credit on some test. Clean your house for 3 hours, but then add a 4th. Work out TWICE that day. This is all I have been trying to do for the last week and the next week. I want to do more then I need to because I truly love reading your reactions. It means so much to me. If you guys make some different decisions then I can be thankful for doing this. It also keeps reconditioning me to be better, too. Every day I write these, then go out and be stronger. Now you do some big stuff for yourself or someone around you. Do more then you were asked. Try it. List out here some examples of ways that you could do more then you need to. The more you list, the more you are being “FUCKING INCREDIBLE AMAZING.” Start getting in the habit of being huge at tasks, and in life.

I can’t wait to tell you tomorrow about what happened to me today. Talk about amazing.

So results wise, to see who wins, I said that this contest ended at 5 P.M. today, which is really right now, so I have to look over these tonight to see. I posted this right when the cut off is, so I haven’t had time to see the results. I am posting them though, so we can all look at them! YAY! I will pick winners tomorrow. If you did more than expected, you already won, too. I will make a few winners, because I want to go out of the box too! JEALOUS?

This week I want to do a blog that is a collection of crazy inspiring stories, like the one that I had with the cab driver. Send me one of your favorites! Tell me a crazy story about you where effort or faith or anything we are talking about came into play. I would love to have a day or two that is a collection of your stories.

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DAY 2 (This is more important then day 1) but read day 1 first.

I decided that I will write each new blog about this 2 week experience the next day, as opposed to night. That way I can go right to sleep that night. Then wake up and re-fire my thoughts and get even more motivated the next day. Last night I was writing my blog and literally fell asleep in the middle and woke up with the lap top on my lap way later.

The response from you guys was incredible. Because of your responses, I have been thinking yesterday about huge results with this. I mean really really big. I will show you what I mean as you stick with this daily. You will be the happiest people if you stick with this. IT IS SO IMPORTANT YOU DO. We are changing our conditioned old way of being and existing and scrambling that into something new and bigger……

It is hard the first few days, and here is why; Just like going to the gym, the first few days is extremely hard. The reason is because we are focusing more on the work then the results. You have a conditioned way of thinking that we have to break. That conditioned way of thinking gives you way different results in your life then if you learn to change your thinking and have new thoughts.

Yesterday, you temporarily changed your thinking. Well, if you change it again today, you will slowly gain momentum. Eventually it will be part of your unconscious thinking. As it is with mine. I still want to change it to be even higher though. That’s why I am doing this. Please continue to read these everyday and do this. I promise if you do, you will be jump-started to a new way of thinking and start to see your life as better then before.

You will feel more of a purpose and you will stop your negative beliefs from stopping you. We have so many BS beliefs that stop us from doing everything. “Im too young, Im too old, I don’t have the money, I am too fat.” I read a comment that was posted from a girl that said “Yeah but I am only 14.” First of all, that is an advantage that she isn’t even realizing. I started standup at 12. I never thought I was too young. If anything, I realized my age would help here…..I was touring at 14 and working a lot. When I couldn’t get into a lot of Comedy Clubs that are 21 plus, it didn’t even occur to me that this was a problem…..I just rented out high school theaters, called all the local papers, tv shows, radio, etc and said “LOCAL BOY DOING COMEDY SHOW!” they all did huge stories on this. I charged 10 dollars a ticket and sold out all shows. Making way more money then if I could have got into the clubs. So when someone says to me, “Yeah, but Im only 14″ I say “Congrats!” you can use that!

You wont get anything done if you focus on the work. The reason is your focus is being put on the task over the results. This one switch in thinking is so important. If you are someone who says, “I am going to lose weight.” YOU WONT. This is because you are focusing on the task.. You even are saying the words “lose” and “weight” , two words that are negative in your subconscious.
But what if you weighted 180 on may 25th and said…..”I am going to way 170 by July 1st.” Already that sounds different and a little more appealing.
Then, if you really want to make it insanely appealing, list all of the reasons you want to weight it by that date. The minute you feel a reason, the quicker you will get there.
Just list the reasons you want something. Go for a while too, the reasons will get more extreme……

I want to Weigh 170 by July 1st because…..
1. I will look better
2. Because I could have more confidence.
3. Because I could date anyone I want.
4. Because I could get laid more.
5. Because I would look good in a bathing suit this summer.
6. Because I could inspire others to do this too.
7. Because I could show myself that I can break out of old patterns and really do anything.
8. Because I can show myself that change is possible.
9. Because I will be healthier.
10. Because If I can weigh 170 at this point, I could easily weigh 160 by August.
11. Because I will save millions in the long run on hopital bills,
12. Because I will make the odds of my family having to lose be to heard disease or cancer at a younger age worse.
13. Because if I live healthy, one day I will meet my grandkids. Really Healthy could mean great grandkids…..
14. Because I will see that I am in charge…..

I could write 100 of these….;

If you wrote out of all of these things. YOU WOULD NEVER EVEN want to leave the gym. You would only be focused on your future and you would never be working out thinking “How much longer” you would probably be thinking “Crap I already did 2 hours here, if I do 2 more I might hit my goal early!” you will start not only going to the gym, but getting addicted to it.

I cant believe how much I got done yesterday and I reminded myself of a lot of stuff that I had already known. If you want your life to be even better and live life on a higher level remember this.

Yesterday I
1. Went to Bikram yoga, the most intense yoga to exist….
2. Worked out on top of that
3. Cleaned out tons of old stuff for hours. Getting rid of anything that I havent used in the last 6 months. (this creates tremendous stress relief, I will explain why in future chapters)
4. I listened to other motivational tapes.
5. I wrote more of my script for a Comedy Central show…
6. I ate really really well, only healthy organic
Food.
7. I went to bed earlier, and had a happier conditioned feeling…..I woke up more pumped to do this again…..
8. I did something that is gonna sound dumb to you, but check this out. I avoided going to starbucks. I have been hooked on starbucks drinks. I used to go 3 times a day. When I went every time; I spend money, gain weight, and lose time. I am cutting off starbucks for now. It might seem like a loss, but again, if I focus on the positive. I am not “giving up starbucks” I am gaining time, adding helth to my life, and saving literally 10-20 bucks a day, that could go towards paying off my mortgage, or to a cancer fund, or to the campaign of my favorite politician…….

So I lost 2 pounds, toned up a little bit, am a little healthier and have a few more buck then I would have had if I had not done this. YOU THINK THIS SHIT ISNT GONNA ADD UP?

My goal today is only this. Do better then yesterday. I showed myself yesterday is possible, today I am going to beat it.

If you did nothing yesterday, don’t kill yourself over it. Just start today. I promise on my life that if you start today or just beat yesterday, you will be so euphoric at the end of the day and you wont believe the results. Gain some momentum so that this starts to become your way of thinking everyday.
Do some more stuff, go get a motivational tape, while you clean, or write, or work out, and condition this stuff in you more…..this is really powerful stuff and it is a step close to getting you what you really want in your life….

I hope so much today that I get even more responses from you then yesterday, this is such important stuff and I want to see growth in all areas. 580 peple read my blog yesterday, thats amazing. If you are really pumped, show a friend this. Then you are doing something for yourself already…….getting your surroundings happier. Who you are around decides a lot about who you will be….

GET MOMENTUM. Work more today, eventually it wont be work. It will be how you are…..

Today write out 2 specific goals and write out 20 reasons why you want them…..watch what starts happening to you….

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Last night I had dinner with one of my closest friends who is a

phenomenal comedian and a great person. As we started talking, he told

me that he was really bummed out that he had not booked a tv show that
comedians go on. Aside from the fact that he is clearly ready for this

show, it added insult to his injury that many brand new young comics
who
didn’t have that much experience and were much greener did book this
particular show.

Its funny, because I have learned a lot in my last 18 years of doing

this. As my buddy felt that his career was not going well, my instant
thought was that because he didn’t book this show, he is going to be a
real star, with the depth to handle it on deeper levels as a person and

be successful in all
areas of his life. He is so lucky he did not get
it. Here is why………

As a child growing up in Seattle, I started performing in clubs when I

was 12 years old. I was working full weekends all year from 15 years
old on. When I moved to LA at 21 I had many years of experience and
felt the 7 minute sets I would have to perform around town would be a

piece of cake compared to the hour long shows I was doing in my teens.

As I started hitting the LA scene, I noticed that there were a lot of
young green comics showcasing for giant comedy festivals, different

late
night shows, Comedy Central, etc. Many of them, some with as little as

6 months experience, were booking the shows. I felt immediately that
it
would be a piece of cake for me, being I had over an hour of material
and a lot of hours put in during my childhood.

I went for my first showcase for Premium Blend (a Comedy Central show

that breaks comedians) when I was 22 and showcasing at the Laugh
Factory. I was so pumped and oblivious to the idea that I would have a

bad set. I knew I had this in the bag. I was 4th in the lineup. The

first 3 comics were very new and their lack of experience completely
showed, making me even more pumped. When I got on stage, I completely

completely crushed. I killed so hard. My instinct was that I got the

show. I felt it and knew it. I few days later, my manager called me
to
tell me that Premium Blend had passed on me and weren’t interested. I
was absolutely crushed.

At 23 I showcased again. Same situation. I had the best slot (4th), 3

new comics before me……I crushed again, even harder with all new
material for them. I thought for sure this time that I had it in the
bag……they passed again.

Same at 24, same at 25. This also continually happened with showcases

for all late night shows, and comedy festivals. To make things worse
for my ego, most of the green comics WERE getting selected! I was
sitting here just saying why me and its just not fair. I would sit at
home depressed and bitch to other comics how ridiculously unfair this

was. I also noticed now, I was feeling more strained at each showcase,

adding pressure to the shows because if they didn’t take me, I WOULD
HAVE TO WAIT
A WHOLE YEAR!

The day after getting passed on by Comedy Central again when I was 26,
I
was at home sad. Then, by some kind of magic, thought just came into

my
mind out of nowhere. It was just a quick thought. But it was step 1
and a symbolic thought that would start a transformation that has been
taking place in my life and will forever.

The thought was this…..”Wait a minute, each year that I don’t get

picked, I get to write and develop for a whole extra year of practice.”

Holy crap! What a thought…….well this thought propelled me to a
positive mood. I went with it. I allowed myself to feel that mood and

use it to motivate me. I said to myself, lets just write for a
while….and I did, I wrote and wrote and wrote. Went up every night
and
started killing. Even
harder then I had been killing before (for the
non comics, killing means doing really well at shows, which is funny,
because bombing means the opposite.)

At 27 I showcased for Premium Blend with a new attitude. My immediate

thought was actually this. “Man, I hope I don’t get this because I can

practice for another year and get better if they pass!” Well, this
attitude is exactly what caused me to book Premium Blend. That’s right,

I booked it, because I realized there was more to me then this one
show,
I didn’t care and went up freely under no pressure, and that made me
better.

The funny backwards thing is, now that I booked it, my new thought was,

“WOW! I hope I am really ready?” How crazy is that? At 22 I thought I

had it in the bag, now, with 5 more years experience I wasn’t sure if I

was ready. The reason is now that I saw this differently….I have one

shot on Comedy Central. BETTER NOT BLOW IT! As I started picturing
subconsiously numerous ways to screw up…..I developed my first
anxiety. I now felt I wasn’t quite ready for this appearance which I

was about to shoot in 3 months.

This anxiety grew and grew and grew. I was in absolute hell just
imagining everything I worked for getting ruined by me bombing on
Premium Blend. Luckily I had a great set, but I had a new conditioned

anxiety in my body I needed to get rid of. I started listening to
different thought tapes, and reading self help books. It was in this
process that I learned so much. I learned things I had no idea about,
but more amazing, I learned things that I didn’t know, that I didn’t

know. All these lessons came into my life that I wasn’t even aware I
needed to learn.

These lessons
have completely changed the way I have been thinking,
living, breathing, eating, performing, talking to people around me,
feeling everything.

The instinctual way that I think now has made me see that we have no

problems. We do not have problems. The only thing that makes
something
a problem is the meaning that you give it. NOTHING IS A PROBLEM. Its

not the event that happens, its what you do with it.

We immediately ask ourselves questions every second. If a bad thing
happens to you and your question to yourself is, “why me?” Then your
body will immediately answer you. “Because you suck, because you

aren’t
worthy of her, because you are fat, because no one loves you.
“Etc…….

What if the question you asked when something “bad” happens is “what
can
I do with this?” Or “How can I do something now that will make my life

better because this happened.” You will find that it will
change
everything. I do this so much that it is now part of my subconsious to

ask this question immediately. I haven’t had one stressed out, or sad
day for about 9 months now. Because every bad thing that happens is

empowering me.

I am asking that question with extreme things too, and the greatest
example was this winter, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now
to her immediately she felt fear and felt like she could die

soon……I
got excited. The meaning I gave this is that my mom is going to live a

lot longer. Why? Because to kill the cancer, she was going to have to

learn a lot about her body, health, thought process, and herself.

Well thank god I had not booked premium blend at 22 because I would
have
gotten comfortable and never been driven to learn any of these lessons.

I would have sat at home, in an ego state, not growing as a person.

Because I didn’t book Premium
Blend at 22 I was able to teach what I
have learned to the people around me, including my mom, who was very
receptive to it. And now, not only is the cancer gone, but she now
loves yoga, breathing exercises, and is a vegetarian. She has not felt

this euphoric in years, and is extremely thankful that she got the
cancer to wake her up as a person.
Because I didn’t get Premium Blend at 22, my mom will live the rest of
her life very happy and healthy.

Everyone around me is making these changes and I am now finding myself
chosing friends who have this positive mentality. All because I didn’t

get premium blend at 22 and because I went through an anxiety at 27.

My
mom is going to live longer because she got cancer. This list can go
on
for eternity. I was able to share it with my buddy last night and now
he can apply it too. We can change the meaning of the problem.

Think if you are a democrat, how
great it is to have Bush in the
office.
Now the world is waking up and getting driven, there are going to be
more voters then ever because many people are fed up. This might not
have happened if everything was ok. If the war is bothering you,

instead of dwelling on it, and sitting at home sad, use it to get off
your ass and campaign for a change. This works with all parties and
everything there is…….

As I have adapted this new way of thinking,

1. I lost 50 pounds,
2. I perform much better on stage.
3. I can empower myself and the people around me.
4. My success has helped me to buy a house.
5. I am not penetrated by bull shit.
6. My body is at maximum health.

7. I used to be a huge clutter bug, now I am not. I am really clean
and
have a new appreciation for my things.
8. I am finding a new level of confidence in who I am as a person and
don’t feel the need to prove myself to people when I
meet
them….taking
me to a higher caliber as a person.
9. I am able to go out with more enlightened, successful women
(although I still find myself unable to shut up when I am talking to
one
I really like.) I am also gaining the skills to understand why women

are crazy (that’s a joke, calm down women)
11. I was sick once in the last 2 years.
12. The list is truly eternal.

My talk with my buddy was incredible and he said he was so happy and
thankful that we had it. He is now excited to take on this year, and

really rip the stage apart next year, so his show will be 10 times what

it would have been this year. As he said he was happy he didn’t get
it,
I pointed out on a deeper level, “Be happy that you learned this.

Think
of the endless possibilities you can have with this mind set.” He
learned this lesson because he didn’t get that show.

You can do what you want with this info. I find
people who are
skeptical are not happy people. Almost all really successful (in all
areas of life) people would absolutely agree with this. If they got
bummed everytime something bad happened, they wouldn’t be successful.

Life would be nothing without problems. Without problems we would have
nothing to overcome and wouldn’t grow as people. No matter what level
you are at, people need growth to live. So next time something

“terrible” happens to you, get excited because you are about to grow
and
learn something you didn’t know you needed to know.

PS….If you do know anyone is is sad about an event, ill, depressed,

angry, etc, please forward this to them.

–kylecease

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I am now in Chicago and thought that I would try writing a bit for my hour special. I don’t know what I will write about, I just know starting blindly helps. Understand that this is a sketch pad and wont be grammatically correct and stuff. Its just free typing.

People ask me constantly if I am ever going to have kids. Well I don’t know if its constantly, Cause that would be annoying.

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle, are you ever going to have kids?

Kyle: No. do you guys want to go to…..

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle, are you ever going to have kids?

Kyle: No. anyways, you guys want to go have a soccer match with the Hitlers of….

Annoying friend: Hey Kyle….

That would be painfully annoying. Man, that would be weird. If everything annoying just got painful too……like every time you get into a fight with your girlfriend, you get an injury on your head? I would never want an injury on my head. however I would like a hamburger. I think if things could ever be hamburger annoying that would rock.

Not literally rock though. I mean that would be awesome. I wish things did actually rock. I went to my friends house and he said we were going to go to his grandmas house, cause she rocks. I thought that was ridiculous, until, I got there and she actually was putting on a death metal concert and snorting coke.

Not actual coke, that would be weird if she snorted actual coke, and got high. Not actually high like in the air. High like in a different world.

Not an actual different world. Cause that would be weird if grandma actually went to mars and snorted cocaine while she was rocking with a band. That would suck.

Not actually suck. That would be weird if the situation was performing oral. Not actually performing.

That would be weird if the situation was on a stage performing a musical called oral.

So anyway. Sorry I went off on a tangent. Anyway people ask me (constantly) if I want children and I think I dont know yet.

(I was tempted to end it there, but now I want to do something about kids. aside from eating babies. (A reference to a cd/dvd I have out.(one dimple(number one first comedic astist release of 2006 (comedy central records (they also have Dane Cook (su-fi stands for super finger (I dont think they know it also could stand for supper filing.(I think we should file our suppers( I would put enchiladas under e ( for enchiladas(Who loves parenthesis?? (I do (Me (Kyle Cease (CD/DVD in stores. ))))))))))))))

I don’t know because like having a child is all like, you know, all like ;> because they are all and I am all ok <3

sorry I let a 15 year old girl write that last sentence, I had to go jogging. That's right, I was gone for an hour. That's how stupid she is. She is even too dumb to go clubbing......at clubs.(not baby seals or golf club collecting)

So anyway, I keep going off on tangents.

People keep coming up and asking if I am going to have kids.

I love kids, but I also like when I am done visiting them. I dont think that these 16 year old girls on Maury Povich having sex with several 40 year old guys understand what having a baby is really like.

Maury: Cassandra with tattoos, why are you having sex with all these men?

Cassandra with tattoos: MAAAUUURYY I can do what I waan and dis is my bodis ok Maury.

Audience: (for some reason) boooooooooo

Cassandra with tattoos: Shut the F(BLEEEP!!!) up! Shut the f(BLEEP!) up you dont know me?

Maury: alright Cassandra with tattoos, sit down.

Cassandra with tattoos: (with stomach and side fat coming out of a way to tight and short white t shirt that shows the lead singer from Kreed on it) Dey don't know me Maury!

Maury: Ok. I also hear that you call your mother names.

Cassandra with tattoos: F(BLEEP) Yeah I do! I call her a F(ucking) B(BLEEP)

Audience: BOOOOOOOOO (lots of snapping and pointing to the right for some reason)

Cassandra with Tattoss: You shut up!

Maury: Well we have someone here who is going to have a talk with you. Say hello to Giant Seargent Army Guy.

Audience: (Goes ape shit while military guy comes in)

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (runs down audience isle, comes up to Cassandra with Tattoos) You need to respect your mother!!!!!!!!! I will tear you up so quick....

Cassandra with tattoos: (Immediately Stands up, stomach fat back out for veiwing) You cant touch me you cant tell me what the BL(fuck) to do!

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (Realizing she is right, starts sweating,) GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND DO PUSH UPS

Cassandra with Tattoos: NO

Giant Seargent Army Guy: (Scared look)

Maury: (sweating) uhhhh, we are going to go to commercial.

Maury song: da da da doot doot

Commercial: Polident for your butt hole is...........

So anyway I don't think that those girls know what its like to have kids. They dont care much and they don't realize that the kids wont leave after a day.

Imagine being stuck in traffic for like an hour, and there is a screaming baby in your car. You will get out at the end and say. "Wow, That was a whole hour with a baby. That was the worst thing that there is."

Better yet imagine a four hour flight with the usual woman from a bad state who smells bad and brings a fridge next to her as a carry on. I find that they all ask the same questions. Now I just have a card with the answers to each question I am always asked.

#1. Los Angeles

#2. Originally Seattle.

#3. Comedian

#4 No, I have never worked with Jeff Foxworthy

#5. Yes you can eat this

#6 Did you eat all of it?

#7 Its fine I have more

#8 ummm yeah one more bite is ok.

#9 What the fuck? Now I have no food.

SO imagine that you have to have that flight with her, and then the plane lands. You are about to get off, and the plane just takes off again.

You are thinking wait a minute. I have stuff to do. I am meeting people at the bar. But you cant go see them Because this lady came out of your vagina.

She just starts screaming and yelling, everyone on the plane is looking at you like you hit her. Then she craps her pants, and its your job to change her. You have to do this 4 hour flight 6 times a day 365 days a year, for 18 years.

So, I am not sure yet. I think I might have kids, I don't know.

PS. If you feel like voting for me, I wont get mad at you.

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There is a site for bread pudding.

I found an actual site for bread pudding. it has a recipe and then there are real reviews. I decided to review it too. this is my real review.

So there I was, about to go to our daily Church picnic with Father Reverend Jones and his partner Preist Docter Norse. We were all going to bring a delightful dish. Janet made her usual Jesus muffins with the little sprinkles that spell Doomsday on them. Edwin made her (and yes, Edwin is a her, hes not an evil flimsy though. ) sugarless Popsicle surprise. It doesn’t have that evil sugar, so we can all be thankful. And then there was me. I was told to make my bread pudding, but if lord and his followers could help me, I was told by Father Benjamin that Ernold wasn’t a huge fan of my usual bread pudding. I couldn’t believe my god ears. So I rushed and rushed as if my controlling husband was in the same city. I looked everywhere, I went to every site on the internet. And that’s when it dawned on me. I was actually looking up bread pudding on the internet. I felt like I was wasting my life since I married my husband and his other wives at 14. I realized that I have no self esteem because the way that I was raised and this prompted me to not only look up bread pudding online, but read, and then write reviews on it. After that, for the first day in my life, I walked outside unaccompanied. There is a world out there, beyond, wall mart and Bush (He is the greatest.) I then looked under my husbands books to find the code to unblock the internet to look up other things beside recipes. There is a whole world out there. I now can think for myself and I can jog too. I left my husband and then too celebrate needed bread pudding. I looked up this one and loved it. The recipe was a bit too eggy though. I am not quite sure how to spell eggey.

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This is a paper that I wrote in college. Probably for English class.

RAYMOND

As I headed down the street, I tried to remember what the man looked like. From what I can recall, he was about 6 feet tall, weighed probably 200 pounds, and his jacket was as smooth as silk. There were several reasons for this. One was probably the fact that his jacket was made of silk.
I remember the first time that I saw him. I was at home, watching a delightful episode of my favorite show “Chain Reaction” when I heard my door.

“Knock, knock, knock, rang my unusual doorbell. Right away, I knew what that meant. I had to answer it.

As I got up, I noticed that my back hurt, and my back had not hurt for a while, other then the surgery I had earlier that day.

I opened the door very slowly. It was a man. He was about 2 feet tall, 150 pounds. “Can I help you?” I said, but I felt like I was talking down to him.

“Yes.” He said with glee. “I have a friend who needs to stay here. You will know who he is.:
“Uhh, I’m sorry?” I said, without glee. I looked up for a second, then looked back down. When I looked down, I noticed he was digging a hole.

“You will know who he is. That is all that I can tell you.”

By the time he finished that sentence, he had dug a hole about 2 feet deep, just big enough for him to jump into.

“Can you tell me anymore?” I asked, with a mediocre amount of glee.

“No.” he said, jumping into the hole. I think he was trying to make some kind of magical exit, such as disappearing into the hole. However, he just kind of jumped in there, screaming what he thought was “magical sounds.”

“Kicky Bicky!” He said, the amount of glee on this one was measured at about five. “Kicky, Sticky, Bicky.”

When nothing happened, he just kind of looked at me in a frustrated way. He had a look on his face that said, “OK I am kind of nuts. I thought I could just jump into a hole and disappear, but who am I trying to kid?” You know that look?

He climbed out of the hole. “This is Bullshit.” He said. We are talking no glee here. He then walked away.

The next day I heard a knock on the door. “Knock Knock,” it rang.
I opened it. It was a man who looked exactly the same as the first man, except this man was six feet tall, and had a mustache. He was wearing a coat that covered his entire body, and all you could see was his head sticking out of the coat. Very quickly I realized that it was the first man, and his coat was covering the stilts that he was standing on. This idea was not confirmed until his mustache fell off.

“You again?” I said.

He suddenly looked scared and disappointed that I figured out who he was. But he just started talking.

“What do you mean? ‘You again?’ You haven’t seen me before.”

“Yes I have” I said. “I remember you.” As I said this, I blinked. When I opened my eyes from that blink, I realized that he was digging again in my yard. After about five seconds of digging, he had completed a hole that I think was supposed to be 6 feet deep, but it ended up being 2 feet, which I think he dug out of habit.

“Of course you remember me, you are me.” He said, really dramatically, he then jumped into the hole, trying to look magical again.

The problem this time was that the hole was only 2 feet deep. He jumped into it with the stilts on, so he looked really stupid here.

“Look.” I said, “Are you going to leave me alone, or what.”

“Or what!” he replied, and tried to crawl out.

As he got out, he fell over, mainly because of the stilts. He got up, took the stilts off, and grabbed Raymond off of the lawn.

“RAYMOND!” I screamed, hearing no reply.

The next morning I was reading the local paper, which contained a story of a midget that went door to door harassing people. Right away I thought about how sorry I was felt for the people that the midget was harassing. I thought about this as I went to the refridgerator to get some orange juice. That was when it dawned on me. I don’t really enjoy orange juice that much. It doesn’t give me the pep that I need to get me goin’ in the mornin’.

Suddenly my phone rang. It was a white phone with numbers that were light green, and lit up when you picked up the phone. (I wrote this part because I know that during the part of the class when everybody tells me what I should change, or how to improve the story, at least one person will say, “You need to describe the area more.” Now you can’t say it.) I answered the phone. It was the midget. He told me that I needed to meet him at Jones Park with some money if I wanted to see Raymond alive. “I don’t care if you keep or hurt Raymond.” I said. Raymond is my pet pile of leaves. And hung up.

I never saw him, or Raymond again. Sometimes I leave a pile of leaves out, hoping he will come by and take them……But he never does.

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